Confusion...

I don't know why I started a blog, I have written meaningless sentences.  I have nothing to say.  I thought it would be journal like, therapeutic but the internet scares me to a point where I wonder what is safe to write.  Is it okay to say that I had a horrible birth experience?  That I got pregnant on accident and hated giving up drinking and didn't all together and read all the books I should and hired a doula and went to midwives instead of doctors and ended up hating my midwives and spent the last few months of my pregnancy picturing myself birthing an alien and crying my eyes out because my midwives got my old medical records of being an alchy and drug addict from years before and decided to scare the shit out of me saying my baby would be taken away from me and tested for drugs and alcohol upon birth??  I am a good person.  I didn't use to be.  I always had a great heart but something along the way affected my life and I was fucked up.  FOR YEARS.  I am not anymore and I sometimes want a little damn respect and other times I think people should lock me up.  Here is what I have done bad lately...  I told my baby I didn't want him and cried begging my husband to take him because I was so sleep deprived.  I hated myself afterwards.  I told my husband the other night to take my baby because I was afraid I would hit him and I was freaking out because I was overwhelmed and sleep deprived.  I WOULD NEVER HIT MY BABY.  So most mom bloggers blog about cute happy moments and milestones and LOVE.  I have all of that more than anyone can imagine.  I am insanely in love with my baby and I can not express that more.  However, I want to curl up and write when I am upset, sad and frustrated.  Not when I am entranced with my beautiful baby and in love with the world.  Then I just want to enjoy the moments and I know I will remember them forever in my mind.  I take pictures, I talk to everyone.  But when I am upset I write.  So here is my sobby blog.  Thankfully I am doing it for myself and no one knows who I am. 

Exhausted

Baby you are so much work!  And so worth it.