Truth

The truth is in.  Maybe I am a bad person.  I am sick and tired and believe it is my punishment for being a horrible person.  What is so confusing to me is that if I want so badly to do the right thing and still fail is it completely my fault?  Is there some truth to maybe I wasn't held enough as a child or maybe I DID actually have a traumatic upbringing.  But if I am maybe doing the best I can why do I keep fucking up.  I hit my partner in the face and gave him a black eye.  I don't remember.  I was drunk.  If I was drunk then I shouldn't have been in charge of my baby so they both should leave me.  I am sad, hurt and confused.  Afraid if I drink to that point again something awful is going to happen, so isn't that enough to give up the drink altogether?  And Travis completely forgives me.  We told everyone he hit a tree branch riding his bike.  Every time I see his face or hear the story of lies I want to crawl under the covers and sob my eyes out.  Where did I go wrong.  What happened to me that made me so angry and hurt and violent and horrible?  And can it be fixed?

Confusion...

I don't know why I started a blog, I have written meaningless sentences.  I have nothing to say.  I thought it would be journal like, therapeutic but the internet scares me to a point where I wonder what is safe to write.  Is it okay to say that I had a horrible birth experience?  That I got pregnant on accident and hated giving up drinking and didn't all together and read all the books I should and hired a doula and went to midwives instead of doctors and ended up hating my midwives and spent the last few months of my pregnancy picturing myself birthing an alien and crying my eyes out because my midwives got my old medical records of being an alchy and drug addict from years before and decided to scare the shit out of me saying my baby would be taken away from me and tested for drugs and alcohol upon birth??  I am a good person.  I didn't use to be.  I always had a great heart but something along the way affected my life and I was fucked up.  FOR YEARS.  I am not anymore and I sometimes want a little damn respect and other times I think people should lock me up.  Here is what I have done bad lately...  I told my baby I didn't want him and cried begging my husband to take him because I was so sleep deprived.  I hated myself afterwards.  I told my husband the other night to take my baby because I was afraid I would hit him and I was freaking out because I was overwhelmed and sleep deprived.  I WOULD NEVER HIT MY BABY.  So most mom bloggers blog about cute happy moments and milestones and LOVE.  I have all of that more than anyone can imagine.  I am insanely in love with my baby and I can not express that more.  However, I want to curl up and write when I am upset, sad and frustrated.  Not when I am entranced with my beautiful baby and in love with the world.  Then I just want to enjoy the moments and I know I will remember them forever in my mind.  I take pictures, I talk to everyone.  But when I am upset I write.  So here is my sobby blog.  Thankfully I am doing it for myself and no one knows who I am. 

Exhausted

Baby you are so much work!  And so worth it. 

Sleeplessness

Sometimes I wonder if this night will ever be over, then I remember I will wake up to your smile.

thoughts...

Having a baby is like having the insides of you ripped out and then built back together better and stronger and more capable...