Truth

The truth is in.  Maybe I am a bad person.  I am sick and tired and believe it is my punishment for being a horrible person.  What is so confusing to me is that if I want so badly to do the right thing and still fail is it completely my fault?  Is there some truth to maybe I wasn't held enough as a child or maybe I DID actually have a traumatic upbringing.  But if I am maybe doing the best I can why do I keep fucking up.  I hit my partner in the face and gave him a black eye.  I don't remember.  I was drunk.  If I was drunk then I shouldn't have been in charge of my baby so they both should leave me.  I am sad, hurt and confused.  Afraid if I drink to that point again something awful is going to happen, so isn't that enough to give up the drink altogether?  And Travis completely forgives me.  We told everyone he hit a tree branch riding his bike.  Every time I see his face or hear the story of lies I want to crawl under the covers and sob my eyes out.  Where did I go wrong.  What happened to me that made me so angry and hurt and violent and horrible?  And can it be fixed?